Bailey's Blog

Treats Puleeease....???

2008-09-07T12:42:00.002-06:00

Ahh...Fresh air...

2008-09-07T12:34:00.003-06:00

There's nothing I like more than having my window open on a nice day...

I just wish the table was lower....

Bailey

First you catch it...

2008-04-02T23:30:00.006-06:00

Then you run off with it....Then you drop it in the human's shoe....

Repeat - as often as desired, or until it becomes less amusing to you than it is to your human.

Bailey

5 more minutes, just give me 5 more minutes!

2008-03-29T19:54:00.003-06:00

The Joys of a Good Belly Rub

2008-03-22T22:29:00.003-06:00

Yes, I know. The belly rub. A pathetic maneuver used by dogs the world over to flaunt their submissiveness to their humans. "Oh pet me, please pet me, I am your humble servant." Pant pant drool. Tail tucked and all.

Leave it to dogs to get it all wrong.

I can understand why most cats will not tolerate it, but I have to confess, I really quite like it and you can to, as long as you follow a few simple rules:

1. NEVER, I mean, NEVER be submissive. Absolutely no tail tucking. You are not begging for the human's acceptance, you are demanding their service. The human exists for your pleasure. Don't ever let them forget it.

2. Put the claws away. Those who've never known the joy of a good belly rub might have a sudden inclination to attack the hand that rubs you. Don't. The claws should only be used as a tool to remind the human who's in charge in the event they mistake your behavior for submission.

3. Be irresistible. Humans love it when you look particularly cute.

Bailey

Not now, I'm sleeping!

2008-03-02T21:34:00.001-07:00

A cat needs her beauty sleep. At least 16-18 hours of it. And right now I'm a little behind...and upside down or something....that's gonna hurt later.

Happy Dreams!

Bailey

What's the probability....

2008-01-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

Of her taking a break to get me some treats?

My human is taking a statistics class. I like to help with her homework:

I try to be interested in all her babbling about probabilities and normal distributions and critical values, but after awhile it all just makes me sleepy.

Bailey

Shiny, but does it come with treats??

2007-12-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

Seems I have an adoring audience...a smart human called Kristen at As I Like It has given me a Thinking Blogger Award. Isn't it pretty?

It doesn't taste like anything though...but I'm hoping my human will be so impressed she'll give me an extra treat before bedtime. (I guess I'll have to go hide all the fur I plucked out of her slippers as she was sleeping in this morning...)

Anyway...rules say I have to pick five more cool cats to pass the award to...

First award goes to Sultanfus and Guy, who, like me, seem to know how to keep their humans in line. *sighs* If only I had a partner in crime...

Second award goes to Meankitty, who shares a blog with her writer human, who she appropriately refers to as "Typing Slave." Kudos to Meankitty!

All the kitties over at Cat.astrophic. Too much kitty cuteness to count. (Well duh...)

Finnegan and Buddy, featured in "We are the Kitties, and we Writed you this Book" (sequel, to "We are the kitties, Read this or I'll bite you"). They must be smart kitties to be in a book.

And last, but not least, my human pal and wise kitty mama, Virginia Lee. She's a friend of my human and gives me lots of ideas about how to train my human. (But shhhh, we won't tell her...)

And now, kitties...it's your turn! These are the rules:

1. You must write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think. (No Fish or Bird blogs, they'll just make you hungry)

2. Acknowledge this post.

3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

4. Go tell your humans to fork over the treats. I am. :)

Bailey

Take me, take me!!

2007-12-28T00:04:00.001-07:00

Hmmm...what's in here? Snacks? No....

It's perfectly kitty sized!

Take me?

Bailey

Twas the Night before Christmas...

2007-12-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, I ate the last mouse;

My human was tucked into bed with great care,
I think for the holidays it’s okay to share.

And while she snored the winter night away
I went out on the prowl, looking for prey

I checked out the kitchen and my human’s knapsack
In hopes that just maybe, she left me a snack

When out on the balcony there arose such a racket
I nearly leapt through the window to try and attack it

But a bump on the head was all that did greet
My desperate attempt to capture fresh meat!

This woke my human and she turned on the light
And shot me that look meant to give me a fright.

But alas dear human, it is you who obey,
And for that little look, you surely will pay.

I put her back to bed with a rub and a purr,
Then found all my toys and plucked out their fur.

Next came the toilet paper, shredded with care
And wound around table legs way over there.

My night of destruction would not be complete,
Until I poked around all of her plants with my feet,

Then tipped over the litter box, to make a huge mess,
And kicked it around, along with…you guess!

All this because she forgot the first rule,
That I run this house, no question, you fool!

She will wake to this mess, and maybe she’ll snap....
But she'll always forgive me by the time I wake from my nap.

Merry Christmas Cats!

Bailey

Human troubles...

2007-11-13T19:44:00.000-07:00

My human had a bad day today. I know when she's had a bad day because she seems awfully glad to see me (well duh), and even happier that I am not another stupid human. I dutifully cuddle with her while she lectures me at length on the stupidity of humans, as though it still surprises her. She never listens to me when I try to tell her that they are only human, and, sorry to say, most of them them couldn't help it if they wanted to.

Personally, I think my human would have made a fine cat. Not only is she not stupid (except when she ignores me, or hangs out with the dog), she is as fond of sleeping and snacks as I am. Also, I think she would feel better if she could swear at her humans without them ever really knowing the difference between terms of endearment and a trial run for the jugular.

And failing that, there is always the option of taking out revenge on their sofas.

Hug your human today, cats, especially if they had a bad day. Sometimes it's just what they need.

Bailey

How to wake your owner...

2007-10-28T11:42:00.000-06:00

Someone emailed this to my human, and I had to share...

Bailey

Thinking inside the box...

2007-10-14T21:15:00.000-06:00

I found this box the other night and drove my human crazy trying to knock it off the pantry shelf until she finally let me have it.

But she tied one of my toys inside and I CAN'T get it out!!!!

After awhile, I just got tired of trying...better luck next time.

Bailey

Everything my owner needed to know about life, I taught her

2007-10-07T21:25:00.000-06:00

1. Show up early, and bring snacks.

2. Do what feels right.

3. Forget what everybody else thinks.

4. If you screw up, shake it off and pretend that it was part of the plan.

5. Keep an eye on everything, all the time, except at naptime.

6. Be social on your own terms.

7. Be fascinated by life's little things.

8. You can never be too clean.

9. Curiosity never killed anything but time.

10. Furballs happen. Deal with it.

11. Take care who you agree to serve.

12. Hunting takes patience, plenty of practise, and sharp claws. Hone your skills.

13. Independence is a virtue.

14. Just do it.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program...

2007-10-01T21:26:00.001-06:00

For ME!!!!

It's been awhile since I poked my whiskers into cyberspace. Blame it on my human. You know how humans get when they are all tangled up in their "schedules" and "deadlines"

I think the only good deadline is one with a tasty fish hanging on the end of it.

Hmmmm...fish....got any snacks?

Bailey

All the news that's fit to eat...

2007-09-02T10:55:00.000-06:00

My human likes to read the newspaper - heaven knows why - it's just rubbish. The only redeeming quality of most newspapers today is their easy shredability and the fun crinkly sound they make when I dive into them.

One of these days, I will teach my human that newspapers are WAY more fun to play in than to read...probably more intellectually stimulating that way too....

Bailey

Faux Fur Frenzy

2007-08-27T21:29:00.000-06:00

A new toy, huh? This better be good...

Smells pretty good....hmmm...tasty too...

I really love this red fur!

Hey, human! Do you think you could clean this up? What do you think this is, a dog house?

So THAT's where the paper comes from!!

2007-08-06T20:46:00.000-06:00

Hmmm...a paper machine!

Looks like it comes out of that hole!

Let me help it go faster...

Paper Jam? Did someone say Jam? I love Jam!!

Bailey

Is your human misbehaving?

2007-08-02T20:28:00.001-06:00

Some days I wonder how we ever manage to live among humans. So regrettable that we must choose such a clearly inferior species to serve us - more headache than it is worth sometimes, I think, but you know they really can't help it. They don't know any better - they are after all, only human.

Have you ever noticed that even humans sometimes advertise their inferiority by admitting to each other that they are "only human?" Whenever I hear my human say this, I twitch my whiskers and think to myself, "Wow, if she only knew..."

Anyway...to help you decide if your human is passing muster, I've decided to list some of the behaviors that I find absolutely unacceptable in my household.

1. When my human puts ANYTHING or ANYONE before me.

I don't even let my human think about eating a meal before she has served me mine. When she comes home from work - she had best not check her messages, mail, or email before she has told me what a good, pretty cat I am and plays with me for at least 15 minutes. In the morning, she knows better than to leave the house before she has made ALL of the appropriate arrangements to ensure my comfort during the day. This includes, but is not limited to:

- serving me breakfast
- leaving a fresh, post-shower puddle of water around the tub drain for me to fetch a morning drink from
- making the bed and stacking my pillows in the optimal napping configuration
- cleaning the litter box and sweeping up around it (so that I may kick half the contents out again during the day at my leisure)
- leaving treats hidden around the house for me to munch on during the day (she thinks she is hiding them, but really, I know exactly where they are - the question is, does she know where I'm hiding surprises for HER?)
-playing at least 2 rounds of fetch and about 15 laps around the apartment with my little fluffy spider toy, which only has a couple of sad looking legs left.

2. When the humans have company, it is completely unacceptable for you to be the object of the guest's amusement. We are noble creatures, refined and well-mannered. Make the guests seek their entertainment elsewhere. Best just to nap someplace out of sight. Unless the guests are allergic, in which case, it is appropriate to be unusually social. You know, to teach them a lesson.

3. When the humans arrive home with bags of food but have none for you. It makes me want to yell "BAD HUMAN" and go shred a whole package of toilet paper. Hmpf.

4. When the human ignores my demands for attention. Hello???? Not just a pretty face, you know!! (You would think, that when I kick the mouse off the desk and stand on the keyboard, shoving my nose between my human's hands and the keys, that it would be a pretty solid hint that I am more important than whatever she is doing at the computer....). You would think.

Now, cats - I don't want to leave you with the impression that my human is so terrible. As humans go, she's not bad at all - sometimes she's good enough that I almost wonder if she reads this blog - but even the best humans need to be reminded of their place sometimes.

Don't let them ever forget it...the minute you do, they'll be bringing home a dog or something equally uncivilized.

You've been warned...

Bailey

Under the rug...

2007-07-20T23:03:00.000-06:00

You can't see me!!

Think I can trip her?

Is she watching?

Just when she thought I'd grown out of that "phase"...

2007-07-16T20:54:00.000-06:00

Hah! Did I dupe the human or what? Since the last time I shredded all the toilet paper, she's had it out of my reach. Then, a couple of weeks ago, she decided to bring it back down where I could reach it. It was hard to resist, but I ignored it all this time, until she was sure that I would leave it alone.

And then, today - Hah! This is for the DOG!!

Now...who rules this house again?

Yes, that would be ME. Let's not forget it, this time, OK?

Bailey

I'll just keep an eye on things from up here...

2007-07-07T09:45:00.000-06:00

As the great Dr. Seuss once said (hey, cats can love books too!):

" Young cat, if you keep your eyes open enough, oh, the stuff you would learn! The most wonderful stuff!"

I like to keep an eye on my human (and sometimes nap) from the highest point in the whole house - the top of the kitchen cupboards.

The best part? Not only does my human sometimes forget I'm up there watching her, but she couldn't reach me to get me down if she wanted to!!

Bailey

I'm so glad my human is home!!!

2007-07-06T22:18:00.000-06:00

Now, cats, before you start thinking I've gone all soft, let me explain something.

I know all about giving humans the cold shoulder when they return home from an absence. Believe me, I'm a strong advocate of taking such ripe opportunities to remind your humans of their subordinate place in the universe.

But there is a delicate balance that must be maintained between indifference for the sake of universal hierarchy and laying on the guilt for preservation of personal luxury.

Normally, after an absence, I would be like most cats and make my human beg for my attention. Usually this results in the greatest number of treats - proportional the degree of guilt they feel for having left you alone.

But this time, after an extended absence during which I know she was in the company of a dog, I believe it was one of the few times where it was appropriate to greet her with warm and open paws immediately upon her return. Guilt can be bestowed on the human in many ways, and I feel that this is a much better way to discourage my human from such future absences. It's one thing to make the humans merely feel guilty...it's an art to make them feel like you actually missed their presence (when all you really missed was access to treats on demand).

Trust me, I've been laying it on thick. Greeting my human at the door. Seeking out her constant company. Polite wake-up calls in the mornings....actually sharing my space on the bed.

It's working. She's sucking up big time.

But she better not get used to this. I might have to go shred a roll of toilet paper just to bring her back down to earth. What do you think?

Bailey

Do I look impressed?

2007-07-06T22:09:00.001-06:00

Still painful to think about, much less look at...but here is a photo that pretty much sums up my feelings about my night at the Dog's House...taken in the midst of a standoff. This is me in the bathroom sink - the dog is in front of the door, blocking my escape.

Bailey

Home Sweet Home....

2007-06-30T11:33:00.000-06:00

Aaaah, I'm home again. After a miserable night at the dog's house, I couldn't take it, he couldn't take it, and my human couldn't take it - I don't know what she was thinking, expecting me to spend the weekend with that, that...loud and over zealous pup.

Maybe I could've handled it if he was a bit calmer about the whole thing, but noooo...when I just wanted to quietly check him out from a few feet away, he'd just get all impatient and start barking and lunging at me. My human says he just wanted to play, but he just couldn't do it on my terms, could he?

Well...as you all know, I am queen of the universe, and if someone doesn't play by my rules, they just don't play, period. That includes dogs.

Now, I bet you're wondering what happened last night. Well....I could need a whole lot of therapy (or at least a big bag of turkey flavoured Temptations), but I'll tell you, because that dog's probably telling everybody that I'm the one who was being difficult.

When my human brought me to the dog's house, she put me in the bathroom to collect myself - as I said before, I hate travelling. She had my food and my treats and my toys, and my catnip pillow...give my human credit for one thing, she does know how to pack even if she does choose horrible destinations. Once I'd settled in for awhile, she brought the dog over to sniff at me under the door. Man, did he stink! I mean, I always knew that dogs were smelly critters, but whoa, dude, have another dentabone!

Anyway, from across the door he didn't seem too bad. She took him away and opened the door for me. I thought for awhile about whether or not I should come out, but she seemed to have the dog under control so I figured, why not? I crept down the hallway and got my first good look at the new digs - making a mental note of all the possible escape routes in case the dog tried to eat me.

Things were fine for awhile - I found a quiet perch on the back of the couch from which to keep an eye on the pooch. My human brought him closer and I gave him a couple of love taps just to let him know to keep his distance. Which he did. For a while. But every ten or fifteen minutes or so, he'd get bored of just watching me and would bark at me and drop toys in front of me....like I want to play with his slobbery toys? (Actually, I like that some of them squeak...I wonder if my human can get me one of those...a clean one, of course!).

He'd bark, I'd hiss. He'd back off, I'd back off. So it would continue for hours. Eventually, I decided to take a closer look at him, and I thought I'd made it very clear that I meant to do so on my terms...but every time I'd approach, he'd start barking and jumping and trying to lick me again.

Tell me, how hard is it to figure out that he just needs to chill? I mean, can't he see it's hard enough for me to agree to sniff a DOG and that if I'm willing to do so, maybe he ought to just settle down and let me check him out?

By bedtime, we still had not made our peace. I retreated to the bathroom and the dog went to bed...with my human!!! Once I thought he was asleep I thought I would go join her, you know, in case the dog thought he could claim her...but he tried to pounce on me as soon as I snuck out of the bathroom. I escaped under the bed but he just kept pacing and sticking his head under the bed, calling me out.

Yeah right!

Finally, my human, sensing my distress, rescued me and agreed to bring me home where I belong.

And now, I'm going for a much needed nap...who sleeps when they're at a dog's house anyway?

Bailey

$#!^$!^ Dog!!!

2007-06-29T21:49:00.000-06:00

What did I do to deserve this?

First, my human packs up my things. Then, she puts me in my carrier (I hate my carrier, and hopefully she'll remember that after the scratches I left in her arms and hands). I thought I was going to the vet or something because I only go in my carrier if I'm going to the vet. As we left the house, I yelled as loud as I could to her that I feel FINE, and there's no need to see the doctor.

When we stopped, I realized right away that this wasn't the vet's office. Even worse! She brought me to the DOG's house!

She put me in the bathroom where the dog can't reach me, but that still hasn't kept that smelly, slobbering, mutt from trying his darndest to check me out. Look, Buster, I'm a lady, and I don't much like your wet, cold nose in places it doesn't belong, so BEAT IT!! Hissing....does not mean try harder! (Typical man....hmpf...)

And while you're at it, stop barking at me. Do you really think you scare me? I may be hiding from you, but let's make one thing clear. It's not because I am afraid.

I am restraining myself. For now.

Better sleep with one eye open, kid, if you think you're sleeping with my human.

Hmpf.

Unbelievable. The Dog's house. I thought she said she loved me.

*sighs*

Bailey

My new favorite toy...

2007-06-27T17:26:00.000-06:00

We had houseguests last weekend, and wisely, they came bearing gifts for the lady of the house. (That would be ME, in case you all forgot).

This one is my new personal favorite - a purple fuzzy spider-like thing with bells. The constant jingling drives my human crazy.

Here's a picture of me toting it around the house...

And one of me plucking out the fuzz...another favorite pasttime that leaves a mess for my human to clean up...(that's what humans are for, you know...mustn't let them forget it).

Playing tug of war with my human....

Finally - I caught it, and I'm KEEPING it!!

Bailey

Dude, where's my catnip?

2007-06-20T21:05:00.000-06:00

Whoa...pop quiz:

Is it:

a) Just me

OR

b) is the room spinning just a little?

If you answered A, you need some of what I got!! Wonderful pillowy catnippy goodness!!!

Don't believe me - watch the video

I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta fly....while I still have wings!

Byeeeee!

Bailey

Finally - food for carnivores!!

2007-06-17T14:43:00.000-06:00

As I've established in earlier posts, breakfast is my favorite time of day. Second breakfast and third breakfast are pretty good too, but whichever breakfast it is, it better be tasty.

The problem with cat food is that it's full of corn and wheat and stuff that cats don't need. My usual food, Iams Original with Ocean Fish and Rice, is better than most in that it at least has more meat in it, but it's still chalk full of corn meal. Y'all, do I look like a herbivore?

I used to get some canned food (my favorite was turkey or chicken chunks in gravy) with my kibble, but my human won't let me have it anymore because of the whole contaminated wheat gluten fiasco. So...it's just boring old kibble with corn for me now.

Until today. Today, my human gave me a new kind of food. It's called Orijen, and it's yummy. My human likes it too, because it's made in Alberta from ingredients produced in Alberta. And it is grain free. That's right - no corn, no wheat, no melamine! It's 75% fresh meat (not meat by-products), 25% vegetables, and 100% delicious.

Speaking of which, I gotta go - all this talk of food is making me hungry....

Try it..you''ll like it. Remember, if cats were meant to eat Corn Flakes, there wouldn't be a rooster on the box!

Bailey

That dang dot, continued...

2007-06-13T20:44:00.000-06:00

In case you missed part one, click here.

Now really, I think the human is mocking me. She's making a sham of my impeccable reputation as a hunter. Slightly mad indeed...hmpf...takes one to know one. Crazy human...

Go ahead...go ahead and laugh...

(video will open in a new window...but only because my human is too inept to figure out how to help me embed it in my blog....please forgive her, she's only human...)

I'm disgraced.

Bailey

When in doubt, sleep...

2007-06-11T19:20:00.000-06:00

Top 10 ways...

2007-06-11T18:22:00.000-06:00

Shredding the curtains is for amateurs....if you really need to punish your owner for doubting that you are master of the domain (domain...pah...master of the Universe!!), try these:

10. TP the apartment. One roll is great, 8 is better.

9. Spill the litter box. Extra points if you drag the fresh bag all over the carpet.

8. Knock over the houseplants. Extra points for using the piled up dirt as a litter box.

7. Push all the books off of their shelves. Bonus marks for "cat-earing" the pages (i.e. chewing off the corners).

6. Take the phone off the hook. This works best if you can figure out how to shut off the answering machine too. Cuteness points for sleeping on the receiver in an effort to muffle the beeping sound.

5. Change the radio to the country station. Extra points if you can turn it up to full volume at the same time. Double that if the owner is blasted awake in the morning by Shania Twain. (hint: this might be one night you don't stay in bed with the owner - no one should wake up to THAT!!)

4. Ignore the owner until she offers food. Bonus if it's her food, and not your stale old treats.

3. Be a pest. Nothing more to say about that...

2. Play the velcro game. (i.e. see how many pieces of furniture you can stick yourself to before the owner concedes to playing less destructive games with you).

1. Prevent sleep at all costs. In the event of a hangover, double the points if you can wake your owner with a loud crash at an ungodly hour. Pots and pans are great. An entire bookshelf is better (recommended for multiple cat households).

Bailey

The key to a successful mid-afternoon nap...

2007-06-03T19:07:00.001-06:00

...is to be adorable. Now, for most of us this comes naturally, but there are times when it is especially important. Like Sundays.

My human almost always stays home with me on Sundays. The rest of the week, she's off doing her own thing, gallivanting around with that dog and who knows what else, then sucking up to me afterward. And while it is my duty to make her feel guilty for that which takes her attention away from me, for the most part, I enjoy having the house to myself so that I may sleep undisturbed whenever, and wherever, I wish.

On Sundays, however, I have to contend with the human. For one, she likes to sleep in on Sundays, which means that she is at least an hour late serving me breakfast, which puts me an hour behind on my napping schedule. Then there is the housecleaning, which I must be around to inspect, and the laundry, which I must lie on immediately.

All this wears a kitty out, and with my sleep schedule already disrupted by the morning's activities, a long mid-afternoon nap in the sun is a must. Now, because the human is home, it can be difficult to sleep undisturbed for long periods of time. She wants to sit beside me, then she needs a drink of water, then she needs to inspect between the couch cushions to retrieve all the things I have hidden there (see Fetch, below), then she wants to nap with me, and then the phone rings. Up and down - how on earth is a cat to get any beauty rest?

The key, my friends, is to be absolutely adorable. As with sleep training, you must make your human feel guilty for disturbing you. Let me show you how:

Step 1. Sleep in whatever position you prefer, the cuter, the better.
Step 2. When disturbed, make a show of finding a new, comfortable position, and cover your face like you've seen the humans do when they don't want to wake up.
Step 3. Continue sleeping. Your human will probably not disturb you again.

Happy Napping!

Bailey

Yay! Pictures!

2007-06-02T23:22:00.000-06:00

And a new box to play with!!

She who sleeps most, wins.

2007-06-01T19:57:00.000-06:00

One of the very first things I trained my new human to do is to sleep in a designated spot on the bed. This is a very simple exercise that most humans will quite eagerly fall for, ensuring many years of peaceful, restful cat-naps ahead.

The first trick is to tuck them in as you have seen the humans do with their children. If your human thrashes around a lot when they go to bed, send them to bed early so they can get themselves comfortable before making your appearance. It is much easier to train your human if you are not tangled up in the bedsheets.

When you do jump on the bed, make a show of checking out alternative spots before settling on top of the human. Most humans will interpret this as an affectionate gesture, believing that you would rather sleep on top of them than on a cold, lonely corner of the bed. Hah! Humans are so gullible.

Where you choose to settle down is up to you, however, I find that the torso is typically more effective than arms or legs, as many humans can become quite adept at slipping arms and legs out from under you without causing much of a disturbance. The goal here is to make it impossible for the human to roll over or squirm around without removing you first.

Purr loudly, as this pleases the humans, and anecdotal evidence suggests that it also has a profound soporific effect on some humans.

Look cozy. Even if you are in the most impossibly uncomfortable position, make it seem as though this is exactly where you were always meant to sleep.

Relax. Once you are a purring, relaxed, warm ball of fur, a properly trained and respectful human would feel extremely guilty for disturbing you. If your human has not yet reached this point, feign offense whenever you find yourself displaced. In extreme cases, pout and go sleep on the floor. The humans will beg for you to come back to bed. Resist. Make them understand that the company of a cat in bed is a privilege, and make it clear that you are the one in charge.

Once the immobilization is complete and your human has fallen asleep, you may seek a more comfortable position at their side. Resist the urge at first to go sprawl out on an unoccupied corner of the bed. Instead, sleep directly beside your human so that you can intervene immediately should the human get the idea that they can safely roll over or consume more space on the bed.

Only once the human is completely asleep should you attempt to extract yourself and go sleep on a vacant corner of the bed, or better yet, the couch. Remember, the point is not that you will occupy the space you've cleared for yourself, but that the space is rightfully yours and should be there for you just in case.

Wherever you sleep, make sure you get yourself back into bed, preferably adjacent to the human, before it wakes in the morning. When training a human, it is important to let them believe that you actually slept next to them all night.

But really...who wants to do that?

Bailey

(P.S. This training technique can also be adapted to other pieces of furniture such as sofabeds or air mattresses - more on the treatment of houseguests at a later date!)

That dang dot!!

2007-05-30T21:03:00.000-06:00

I have a lot of toys that I use to play games with my human. Empty paper bags, boxes, old newspapers (new newspapers!), little catnippy mice, mice on strings, cats on springs, bells, balls, and of course, the owner herself.

The rules of our games are simple. I make them up as we go along, and whatever I say, goes. Of course I find clever ways of making my owner believe that she has the upper paw and she does think quite highly of herself when I let her win - which is only often enough to keep her interested in our little games.

Anyway, as masterful as I am at most games, there is one that I must admit I find quite baffling. Maybe some of you cats know about it. It's the one with the little red dot that flies around that you can never catch. It's very fast, and when I pounce on it, it magically appears on the top side of my paw. Sometimes, I think I've caught it, but when I lift my paw, it races off again and I can't quite get a claw on it. It climbs walls, disappears under furniture, and can appear and disappear in a flash. Sometimes it even appears to be in two places at once!

I chase and I chase (appearing ever so confident so that my human doesn't detect my frustration), but I can never catch that dang dot!!

What do I do?

Bailey

The trouble with alarm clocks...

2007-05-28T19:42:00.000-06:00

...is that they go off precisely when set. Alarm clocks have no perception of sunrise, daylight, playtime, or breakfast, all of which are important factors in the decision of when to wake the owner.

I hear my owner complain in the wintertime that the days are too short. That it is dark when she leaves the house in the morning, and dark by the time she gets home. She, like most humans, seems to have conveniently forgotten about this complaint now that the sun rises early and sets late. I have been trying for several weeks now to remind her by waking her at the first light of day. The thanks I get? She tosses me out of the room and says she has at least two hours before the alarm goes off.

Well la tee da for the Alarm Clock. Who serves who again? The Alarm Clock does not decide when I want breakfast, or when I want to play. The Alarm Clock does not know when the owner has to be off to work and does not care enough to wake her early, just in case. The Alarm Clock does not know that by December, she will be complaining again about how little daylight she sees.

My other problem with alarm clocks? The wretched noise they make. One minute you're snoozing contendedly, and the next some person is wailing like it's the last song that will ever by sung by all of humankind. (That would indeed be a tragedy....*sighs*). It's no wonder most of the humans I know (including mine), greet this abrupt, offensive jolt with the distaste it deserves. What I don't understand is why my gentle urgings for her to get out of bed are answered with the same lack of enthusiasm, when clearly I am only trying to spare both of us this daily insult.

When we first met, I would wake her by pawing and pulling at her hair. She didn't like that. Then, I tried nipping ever so gently at the skin of her arms. She disappeared underneath the blankets. Toe pouncing was unpopular. Licking was not so nice. She liked when I would purr beside her ear, but that only made her sleepier.

Maybe if I just stood on her head?

Humans....can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

Bailey

More on the confusing behavior of dogs...

2007-05-26T22:28:00.000-06:00

Take the game of Fetch. This is how I've seen dogs do it:

Step 1. Human throws ball, stick, or other suitable object.
Step 2. Dog races after it, and carries it back to the human.
Step 3. Repeat Steps 1 and 2 as often as desired.

This is just one classic example of how dogs believe themselves to be in service to humans. This is how I play fetch with my human:

Step 1. Show interest in ball, mouse, or other suitable object.
Step 2. Bat it around until my human sees.
Step 3. Chase it across the room, preferably under a piece of furniture or other virtually inaccessible location.
Step 4. Repeat with all such toys that are within my reach, as well as some objects that my human finds useful (i.e. pens, keys, socks, etc.).
Step 5. Purr with amusement from my seat on the sofa while the human runs around collecting the items.
Step 6. Pretend to care when the human throws my toys around the house again afterwards with the mistaken belief that she is playing a game with me.

Bailey

She's been cheating with that dog again...

2007-05-25T20:47:00.000-06:00

Oh, she comes home and cuddles me and plays with me and pretends that I don't know, but she can't fool me. I know all about the dog. Even if I couldn't smell him a mile away, the guilt is written all over her face, visible even under all the dog drool. Disgusting.

Now, let's be clear. This isn't about jealousy. No way. ME, jealous of a DOG? Seriously. You've got to be kidding. I'm clearly superior in every important way - my shear feline genius, good looks, and most importantly, my highly advanced and civilized standards of personal cleanliness. *preens*

No, it's not about this dog. It's just about dogs. I don't get them. I think it's pathetic how they would literally trip over themselves to please a two-legged, any two-legged...anything to earn a bone, a toy, or a pat on the head. Talk about desperate.

Of course it makes sense if you consider the evolutionary relationships between humans, dogs and cats. As the more advanced species, we felines naturally understand that humans are here to serve us. Dogs, on the other hand, being an inferior species, mistakenly believe that humans are gods. It's pitiful to the point of being downright sad, if you ask me.

More later...she's chasing me off the computer...

Bailey

Move over, it's my turn to type...

2007-05-24T21:52:00.000-06:00

Hi, I'm Bailey. Actually, it's THE Feline Queen of the Universe to you people. If you know what's good for you, you'll bow before my stripey paws and tell me what a pretty cat I am. Meow. *preens*

My two-legged, the one who brings me food, she calls me Bailey. Now, I don't want to venture too far into trying to explain what comes out of the brains of the two-leggeds, but I'm sure it had something to do with that sassy boss doctor on one of those TV medical dramas. I like her, but don't tell my owner. You see, if I ever let on that I actually like that show, she won't feel guilty anymore about watching it when she should be showering me with attention. It is, after all, all about ME. Even if me is named after that or whatever....

Anyway, my owner thinks she's some kind of writer or something and spends a lot of time typing on this thing. Time spent typing = time she's not petting me. Can't have that now, can we? Oh believe me, I've tried everything. Sprawling out on top of her arms, batting the mouse off the desk, chewing the corners of her papers, swishing my tail in her face...and sometimes it works. But most times, it deters her only temporarily.

Well, I've been watching her do this for some time now and I just don't see what's so hard about it. If she can do this, I can do this...and let me tell you, I am going to set the record straight about whatever she's told you about me.

Look out world, I have arrived. Meow.

Bailey