Is your human misbehaving?

Some days I wonder how we ever manage to live among humans. So regrettable that we must choose such a clearly inferior species to serve us - more headache than it is worth sometimes, I think, but you know they really can't help it. They don't know any better - they are after all, only human.

Have you ever noticed that even humans sometimes advertise their inferiority by admitting to each other that they are "only human?" Whenever I hear my human say this, I twitch my whiskers and think to myself, "Wow, if she only knew..."

Anyway...to help you decide if your human is passing muster, I've decided to list some of the behaviors that I find absolutely unacceptable in my household.

1. When my human puts ANYTHING or ANYONE before me.

I don't even let my human think about eating a meal before she has served me mine. When she comes home from work - she had best not check her messages, mail, or email before she has told me what a good, pretty cat I am and plays with me for at least 15 minutes. In the morning, she knows better than to leave the house before she has made ALL of the appropriate arrangements to ensure my comfort during the day. This includes, but is not limited to:

- serving me breakfast
- leaving a fresh, post-shower puddle of water around the tub drain for me to fetch a morning drink from
- making the bed and stacking my pillows in the optimal napping configuration
- cleaning the litter box and sweeping up around it (so that I may kick half the contents out again during the day at my leisure)
- leaving treats hidden around the house for me to munch on during the day (she thinks she is hiding them, but really, I know exactly where they are - the question is, does she know where I'm hiding surprises for HER?)
-playing at least 2 rounds of fetch and about 15 laps around the apartment with my little fluffy spider toy, which only has a couple of sad looking legs left.

2. When the humans have company, it is completely unacceptable for you to be the object of the guest's amusement. We are noble creatures, refined and well-mannered. Make the guests seek their entertainment elsewhere. Best just to nap someplace out of sight. Unless the guests are allergic, in which case, it is appropriate to be unusually social. You know, to teach them a lesson.

3. When the humans arrive home with bags of food but have none for you. It makes me want to yell "BAD HUMAN" and go shred a whole package of toilet paper. Hmpf.

4. When the human ignores my demands for attention. Hello???? Not just a pretty face, you know!! (You would think, that when I kick the mouse off the desk and stand on the keyboard, shoving my nose between my human's hands and the keys, that it would be a pretty solid hint that I am more important than whatever she is doing at the computer....). You would think.

Now, cats - I don't want to leave you with the impression that my human is so terrible. As humans go, she's not bad at all - sometimes she's good enough that I almost wonder if she reads this blog - but even the best humans need to be reminded of their place sometimes.

Don't let them ever forget it...the minute you do, they'll be bringing home a dog or something equally uncivilized.

You've been warned...

Bailey