She who sleeps most, wins.

One of the very first things I trained my new human to do is to sleep in a designated spot on the bed. This is a very simple exercise that most humans will quite eagerly fall for, ensuring many years of peaceful, restful cat-naps ahead.

The first trick is to tuck them in as you have seen the humans do with their children. If your human thrashes around a lot when they go to bed, send them to bed early so they can get themselves comfortable before making your appearance. It is much easier to train your human if you are not tangled up in the bedsheets.

When you do jump on the bed, make a show of checking out alternative spots before settling on top of the human. Most humans will interpret this as an affectionate gesture, believing that you would rather sleep on top of them than on a cold, lonely corner of the bed. Hah! Humans are so gullible.

Where you choose to settle down is up to you, however, I find that the torso is typically more effective than arms or legs, as many humans can become quite adept at slipping arms and legs out from under you without causing much of a disturbance. The goal here is to make it impossible for the human to roll over or squirm around without removing you first.

Purr loudly, as this pleases the humans, and anecdotal evidence suggests that it also has a profound soporific effect on some humans.

Look cozy. Even if you are in the most impossibly uncomfortable position, make it seem as though this is exactly where you were always meant to sleep.

Relax. Once you are a purring, relaxed, warm ball of fur, a properly trained and respectful human would feel extremely guilty for disturbing you. If your human has not yet reached this point, feign offense whenever you find yourself displaced. In extreme cases, pout and go sleep on the floor. The humans will beg for you to come back to bed. Resist. Make them understand that the company of a cat in bed is a privilege, and make it clear that you are the one in charge.

Once the immobilization is complete and your human has fallen asleep, you may seek a more comfortable position at their side. Resist the urge at first to go sprawl out on an unoccupied corner of the bed. Instead, sleep directly beside your human so that you can intervene immediately should the human get the idea that they can safely roll over or consume more space on the bed.

Only once the human is completely asleep should you attempt to extract yourself and go sleep on a vacant corner of the bed, or better yet, the couch. Remember, the point is not that you will occupy the space you've cleared for yourself, but that the space is rightfully yours and should be there for you just in case.

Wherever you sleep, make sure you get yourself back into bed, preferably adjacent to the human, before it wakes in the morning. When training a human, it is important to let them believe that you actually slept next to them all night.

But really...who wants to do that?

Bailey

(P.S. This training technique can also be adapted to other pieces of furniture such as sofabeds or air mattresses - more on the treatment of houseguests at a later date!)