Home Sweet Home....

Aaaah, I'm home again. After a miserable night at the dog's house, I couldn't take it, he couldn't take it, and my human couldn't take it - I don't know what she was thinking, expecting me to spend the weekend with that, that...loud and over zealous pup.

Maybe I could've handled it if he was a bit calmer about the whole thing, but noooo...when I just wanted to quietly check him out from a few feet away, he'd just get all impatient and start barking and lunging at me. My human says he just wanted to play, but he just couldn't do it on my terms, could he?

Well...as you all know, I am queen of the universe, and if someone doesn't play by my rules, they just don't play, period. That includes dogs.

Now, I bet you're wondering what happened last night. Well....I could need a whole lot of therapy (or at least a big bag of turkey flavoured Temptations), but I'll tell you, because that dog's probably telling everybody that I'm the one who was being difficult.

When my human brought me to the dog's house, she put me in the bathroom to collect myself - as I said before, I hate travelling. She had my food and my treats and my toys, and my catnip pillow...give my human credit for one thing, she does know how to pack even if she does choose horrible destinations. Once I'd settled in for awhile, she brought the dog over to sniff at me under the door. Man, did he stink! I mean, I always knew that dogs were smelly critters, but whoa, dude, have another dentabone!

Anyway, from across the door he didn't seem too bad. She took him away and opened the door for me. I thought for awhile about whether or not I should come out, but she seemed to have the dog under control so I figured, why not? I crept down the hallway and got my first good look at the new digs - making a mental note of all the possible escape routes in case the dog tried to eat me.

Things were fine for awhile - I found a quiet perch on the back of the couch from which to keep an eye on the pooch. My human brought him closer and I gave him a couple of love taps just to let him know to keep his distance. Which he did. For a while. But every ten or fifteen minutes or so, he'd get bored of just watching me and would bark at me and drop toys in front of me....like I want to play with his slobbery toys? (Actually, I like that some of them squeak...I wonder if my human can get me one of those...a clean one, of course!).

He'd bark, I'd hiss. He'd back off, I'd back off. So it would continue for hours. Eventually, I decided to take a closer look at him, and I thought I'd made it very clear that I meant to do so on my terms...but every time I'd approach, he'd start barking and jumping and trying to lick me again.

Tell me, how hard is it to figure out that he just needs to chill? I mean, can't he see it's hard enough for me to agree to sniff a DOG and that if I'm willing to do so, maybe he ought to just settle down and let me check him out?

By bedtime, we still had not made our peace. I retreated to the bathroom and the dog went to bed...with my human!!! Once I thought he was asleep I thought I would go join her, you know, in case the dog thought he could claim her...but he tried to pounce on me as soon as I snuck out of the bathroom. I escaped under the bed but he just kept pacing and sticking his head under the bed, calling me out.

Yeah right!

Finally, my human, sensing my distress, rescued me and agreed to bring me home where I belong.

And now, I'm going for a much needed nap...who sleeps when they're at a dog's house anyway?

Bailey

$#!^$!^ Dog!!!

What did I do to deserve this?

First, my human packs up my things. Then, she puts me in my carrier (I hate my carrier, and hopefully she'll remember that after the scratches I left in her arms and hands). I thought I was going to the vet or something because I only go in my carrier if I'm going to the vet. As we left the house, I yelled as loud as I could to her that I feel FINE, and there's no need to see the doctor.

When we stopped, I realized right away that this wasn't the vet's office. Even worse! She brought me to the DOG's house!

She put me in the bathroom where the dog can't reach me, but that still hasn't kept that smelly, slobbering, mutt from trying his darndest to check me out. Look, Buster, I'm a lady, and I don't much like your wet, cold nose in places it doesn't belong, so BEAT IT!! Hissing....does not mean try harder! (Typical man....hmpf...)

And while you're at it, stop barking at me. Do you really think you scare me? I may be hiding from you, but let's make one thing clear. It's not because I am afraid.

I am restraining myself. For now.

Better sleep with one eye open, kid, if you think you're sleeping with my human.

Hmpf.

Unbelievable. The Dog's house. I thought she said she loved me.

*sighs*

Bailey

My new favorite toy...

We had houseguests last weekend, and wisely, they came bearing gifts for the lady of the house. (That would be ME, in case you all forgot).

This one is my new personal favorite - a purple fuzzy spider-like thing with bells. The constant jingling drives my human crazy.

Here's a picture of me toting it around the house...





And one of me plucking out the fuzz...another favorite pasttime that leaves a mess for my human to clean up...(that's what humans are for, you know...mustn't let them forget it).






Playing tug of war with my human....





Finally - I caught it, and I'm KEEPING it!!



Bailey

Dude, where's my catnip?

Whoa...pop quiz:

Is it:

a) Just me

OR

b) is the room spinning just a little?

If you answered A, you need some of what I got!! Wonderful pillowy catnippy goodness!!!

Don't believe me - watch the video

I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta fly....while I still have wings!

Byeeeee!

Bailey

Finally - food for carnivores!!

As I've established in earlier posts, breakfast is my favorite time of day. Second breakfast and third breakfast are pretty good too, but whichever breakfast it is, it better be tasty.

The problem with cat food is that it's full of corn and wheat and stuff that cats don't need. My usual food, Iams Original with Ocean Fish and Rice, is better than most in that it at least has more meat in it, but it's still chalk full of corn meal. Y'all, do I look like a herbivore?

I used to get some canned food (my favorite was turkey or chicken chunks in gravy) with my kibble, but my human won't let me have it anymore because of the whole contaminated wheat gluten fiasco. So...it's just boring old kibble with corn for me now.

Until today. Today, my human gave me a new kind of food. It's called Orijen, and it's yummy. My human likes it too, because it's made in Alberta from ingredients produced in Alberta. And it is grain free. That's right - no corn, no wheat, no melamine! It's 75% fresh meat (not meat by-products), 25% vegetables, and 100% delicious.

Speaking of which, I gotta go - all this talk of food is making me hungry....

Try it..you''ll like it. Remember, if cats were meant to eat Corn Flakes, there wouldn't be a rooster on the box!

Bailey

That dang dot, continued...

In case you missed part one, click here.

Now really, I think the human is mocking me. She's making a sham of my impeccable reputation as a hunter. Slightly mad indeed...hmpf...takes one to know one. Crazy human...

Go ahead...go ahead and laugh...

(video will open in a new window...but only because my human is too inept to figure out how to help me embed it in my blog....please forgive her, she's only human...)

I'm disgraced.

Bailey

When in doubt, sleep...

Top 10 ways...

Shredding the curtains is for amateurs....if you really need to punish your owner for doubting that you are master of the domain (domain...pah...master of the Universe!!), try these:

10. TP the apartment. One roll is great, 8 is better.

9. Spill the litter box. Extra points if you drag the fresh bag all over the carpet.

8. Knock over the houseplants. Extra points for using the piled up dirt as a litter box.

7. Push all the books off of their shelves. Bonus marks for "cat-earing" the pages (i.e. chewing off the corners).

6. Take the phone off the hook. This works best if you can figure out how to shut off the answering machine too. Cuteness points for sleeping on the receiver in an effort to muffle the beeping sound.

5. Change the radio to the country station. Extra points if you can turn it up to full volume at the same time. Double that if the owner is blasted awake in the morning by Shania Twain. (hint: this might be one night you don't stay in bed with the owner - no one should wake up to THAT!!)

4. Ignore the owner until she offers food. Bonus if it's her food, and not your stale old treats.

3. Be a pest. Nothing more to say about that...

2. Play the velcro game. (i.e. see how many pieces of furniture you can stick yourself to before the owner concedes to playing less destructive games with you).

1. Prevent sleep at all costs. In the event of a hangover, double the points if you can wake your owner with a loud crash at an ungodly hour. Pots and pans are great. An entire bookshelf is better (recommended for multiple cat households).

Bailey

The key to a successful mid-afternoon nap...

...is to be adorable. Now, for most of us this comes naturally, but there are times when it is especially important. Like Sundays.

My human almost always stays home with me on Sundays. The rest of the week, she's off doing her own thing, gallivanting around with that dog and who knows what else, then sucking up to me afterward. And while it is my duty to make her feel guilty for that which takes her attention away from me, for the most part, I enjoy having the house to myself so that I may sleep undisturbed whenever, and wherever, I wish.

On Sundays, however, I have to contend with the human. For one, she likes to sleep in on Sundays, which means that she is at least an hour late serving me breakfast, which puts me an hour behind on my napping schedule. Then there is the housecleaning, which I must be around to inspect, and the laundry, which I must lie on immediately.

All this wears a kitty out, and with my sleep schedule already disrupted by the morning's activities, a long mid-afternoon nap in the sun is a must. Now, because the human is home, it can be difficult to sleep undisturbed for long periods of time. She wants to sit beside me, then she needs a drink of water, then she needs to inspect between the couch cushions to retrieve all the things I have hidden there (see Fetch, below), then she wants to nap with me, and then the phone rings. Up and down - how on earth is a cat to get any beauty rest?

The key, my friends, is to be absolutely adorable. As with sleep training, you must make your human feel guilty for disturbing you. Let me show you how:

Step 1. Sleep in whatever position you prefer, the cuter, the better.
Step 2. When disturbed, make a show of finding a new, comfortable position, and cover your face like you've seen the humans do when they don't want to wake up.
Step 3. Continue sleeping. Your human will probably not disturb you again.

Happy Napping!

Bailey

Yay! Pictures!

And a new box to play with!!

She who sleeps most, wins.

One of the very first things I trained my new human to do is to sleep in a designated spot on the bed. This is a very simple exercise that most humans will quite eagerly fall for, ensuring many years of peaceful, restful cat-naps ahead.

The first trick is to tuck them in as you have seen the humans do with their children. If your human thrashes around a lot when they go to bed, send them to bed early so they can get themselves comfortable before making your appearance. It is much easier to train your human if you are not tangled up in the bedsheets.

When you do jump on the bed, make a show of checking out alternative spots before settling on top of the human. Most humans will interpret this as an affectionate gesture, believing that you would rather sleep on top of them than on a cold, lonely corner of the bed. Hah! Humans are so gullible.

Where you choose to settle down is up to you, however, I find that the torso is typically more effective than arms or legs, as many humans can become quite adept at slipping arms and legs out from under you without causing much of a disturbance. The goal here is to make it impossible for the human to roll over or squirm around without removing you first.

Purr loudly, as this pleases the humans, and anecdotal evidence suggests that it also has a profound soporific effect on some humans.

Look cozy. Even if you are in the most impossibly uncomfortable position, make it seem as though this is exactly where you were always meant to sleep.

Relax. Once you are a purring, relaxed, warm ball of fur, a properly trained and respectful human would feel extremely guilty for disturbing you. If your human has not yet reached this point, feign offense whenever you find yourself displaced. In extreme cases, pout and go sleep on the floor. The humans will beg for you to come back to bed. Resist. Make them understand that the company of a cat in bed is a privilege, and make it clear that you are the one in charge.

Once the immobilization is complete and your human has fallen asleep, you may seek a more comfortable position at their side. Resist the urge at first to go sprawl out on an unoccupied corner of the bed. Instead, sleep directly beside your human so that you can intervene immediately should the human get the idea that they can safely roll over or consume more space on the bed.

Only once the human is completely asleep should you attempt to extract yourself and go sleep on a vacant corner of the bed, or better yet, the couch. Remember, the point is not that you will occupy the space you've cleared for yourself, but that the space is rightfully yours and should be there for you just in case.

Wherever you sleep, make sure you get yourself back into bed, preferably adjacent to the human, before it wakes in the morning. When training a human, it is important to let them believe that you actually slept next to them all night.

But really...who wants to do that?

Bailey

(P.S. This training technique can also be adapted to other pieces of furniture such as sofabeds or air mattresses - more on the treatment of houseguests at a later date!)